The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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