I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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