I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
