I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
