Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
