saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
