I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
