a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
