my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your shirt... Was in my pants
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
