I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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