Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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