Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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