last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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