i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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