It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
