He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
