rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
