If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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