I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
