i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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