I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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