you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
