My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
