Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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