Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
