I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
