I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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