So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
