At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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