i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
