That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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