I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
no more duck duck goose at the bar
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
