just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
