1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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