It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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