so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
