She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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