having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
