i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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