One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
