Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
