why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
