i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
