I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
