the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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