I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
