Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
