I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You ruined the universe
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
