just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
