I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
